This is very driving and intense. Good. Everyone here is working in genre's that appeal to them, and do pieces for different reasons. Some are songs, some are experimentations working out an understanding of a theory, or style. For instance, many of Luis's pieces. Although some are very simple, he is working out a particular technique, so that he can understand, the process more. I have been working on using a large number of sounds, instruments to create a musical landscape. Others are working on more classical approaches, developing their voice leading etc.
We that post in this particular forum, are working in a somewhat different genre, and have different goals than those in the classical forums.
I find when I get back to working on a 'song, per say'.. not an experimentation. I often study the arrangements of pieces I like that inspire me. I use graph paper and map out where each instrument comes in, stops, changes etc. I use different colored felt tip markers. Depending on the feeling, or goal you have there are many techniques, A lot of music has changes happening every 2, 4, 8 bars. This keeps variety, but you also want continuity.. The brain finds pleasure in recognizing a pattern, if it changes it focuses it's attention to another changing aspect of the music. When that first pattern comes back in, the brain finds continuity and gratification..
Your drums do that well, they have a lot of variety, but also continuity.. I would like if the other instruments, had a bit more variety, and change. Of course this is IMYO (in my humble opinion). Ultimately each musician/composer writes for different reasons. their own pleasure, want to be commercial, want to jar or 'wake up people' or get a strong reaction. so only you can decide, what is right for you.
I recently met an accomplished composer (who went to music college).. She writes 50 piece orchestral scores for film work.. All she could talk about is 'how she is able to manipulate emotions' thru her work. That what was drilled into her in. I do not suscribe to that very strictly, I like to create a space, and let the listener interpret it as they may. Recently I have moved into 'musical landscapes' with some sound design.. I'm not particularly interested in making a commercial song (did that for many years of my life, I write for my own pleasure/learning now).. at some point perhaps, after working out some processes I'll go back to trying to please an audience by combining new techniques I've figured out.
Since you piece is so intense, it's pretty obvious what you are going for.. I hope this makes sense to you, Keep working.. I really like your drive and dedication to create the music you do.