I'm only going to talk about a specific little part, since I think the last version posted is serviceable and works fine.
So, the point of adding those little semitone suspensions is to imply a Dominant -> Tonic resolution. Not necessarily the tonic, but certainly a resolution of some kind. Even if you only have two voices, you still need to think what kind of harmony you're implying. So, in measure 9 there, it's in G major, then A minor (II degree), then A major -> D major (double dominant) in beat 1 and 2 in measure 10, then G major, then... so that's the issue there with measure 11. It's a tritone from E to A#, which goes into a 5th. Very harsh sounding.
As it is, you can say it's maybe Emajor -> A minor, but it's still weird to have the E and A#. I think it'd be more elegant if that E would be replaced with a D on measure 11. That way it'd be just an augmented D chord that ends in a 6th that goes down the Amin there. You can of course change the C to an A for better effect.
Anyway, important thing to remember not every chromatic movement is made equal. If it's simply an ornament or an easy suspension, then there's no major need to think so much of the harmony through. But if it's inside a slower segment followed by more chromatic movement and that it has to go somewhere specific, then you need to know what the chromatic movements are representing. One instance is just for color and flavor, the other is functional.