Hi, Daily
I often hear music by beginners attempting to imitate the 18th century masters and its understandable, they are like heros to many musicians and budding composers. A word of caution though, it may be better to say that your composition aims to imitate the late classical style otherwise you'll create an expectation in the listener to compare your work with what they have heard from the masters themselves and this would be an unfair comparison.
I think its great that you included your composition teacher's remarks and that you have shared your revised composition. Although I disagree with your teacher's appraisal that your music is 'very much in the style'.
There are elements in your music that reflect your exposure and understanding of the classical style but there seems to be a lack of clear form in your pieces. There are harmonic progressions that are foreign to the period with harsh dissonance that disrupt the flow of good music that preceded it. Overall I sense a lack of structure and an ambition beyond the experience and skill necessary to pull it off.
Many student composers may not be aware of the sheer volume of simple dance forms composers in the 18th century composed in order to get to grips with form, melody, and harmony.
Beginning first by learning to play minuets on the keyboard as children and then composing their own after understanding the recurring patterns observed and discussed at the keyboard. I mention this because I believe in order to develop your skills as a composer its best at first not to give yourself a blank manuscript with the permission to compose whatever musical thoughts happen to arise but to begin with a chosen form that you've studied and have the self discipline to keep to otherwise the result often will be a collage of ideas that don't really achieve the effect you are looking for.
Minuets are a great place to start if you want to learn the classical style, they won't give you a chance to be flashy but they will provide a disciplined approach to learning melody and harmony in order to progress to more interesting forms.
Of course if you are just a casual composer and having fun with midi software and don't care for creating authentic sounding music of the period then disregard my comments.
I don't mean to harsh or discouraging, I think you have great ideas in your piece and with good instruction you could channel those ideas into very listenable pieces and develop your style.
I took a look at the beginning of your piece and tweaked it to be more in the style in order for you to compare. I would avoid changing time signatures and tempos during a piece when you first start out composing. Keep it simple. I changed the piece to begin on the tonic and did this for the main theme too. A simple alberti bass is a great place to start for carrying a melody in the classical style.