Anna and her demons

@Quinn I've never really thought about being famous… at least when not manic. I don't mean a "famous composer". I mean a "composer who's not able to write a single note". That's what makes me sad. I can't compose. Maybe it's because I'm tired. I'm still depressed. I still think it would be better if I died. It probably isn't the right time to be succesful now. And I don't have much free time anyways. Programming is hard. And studying at a technical university is exhausting. I hope I'll be able to return to music. Maybe one day.

@Luis Hernández @Quinn Thank you very much for your feedback!

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to write it there, but... well, nevermind. I just need support. I'll be glad for any answers. My sad story began in September when I started attending a conservatory. It was my dream for a really long time so I was excited about that... But there's one thing which is very important for the story: I suffer from manic-depressive states. For some stupid reasons, I haven't sought help until this June. My treatment is in phase "we'll try this medication and see what it will do". So, as I said: I was excited about the conservatory. But then the depression came and it was really bad this time. Music stopped making sense for me. It became a bunch of strange, illogical sounds. I literally wasn't able to compose anymore. Then I stated attending a technical university (because studying two schools simultaneously is really a great idea) and it went even worse. I couldn't do all the things I had to do. I thought it would be better if I would be dead. And so on... many other things that depressed people usually do. I had to leave the conservatory. I left the school only temporarily for now so I can return there. But I'm not sure if I'll be able to do so. I talked to my composition teacher about my problems. I didn't want to do so, but I was meeting him for quite a long time and I thought it would be rude not to tell him anything. He told me that he had a student who came from a technicians family (as well as me) and had hard time pushing ahead his career as a musician (as well as me). He developed schizophrenia during his study, stopped to be able to attend the school and slowly found out that music was actually the trigger of his illness. Maybe music is the thing which is causing my problems. And maybe not. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything. However, I was still feeling bad until I've got better medication. Now I feel better, so I can think about stupid things, such as "my life has no purpose now" or "I could have became a great composer and now I'm a substandard programmer". Music was always kind of mission for me. And everything I've ever dreamed about has disappeared now.

About six months ago, I composed a little piano piece. It's called Kde lišky dávají dobrou noc in Czech, which could be translated as The Foxes Say Goodnight There. It's a Czech saying which describes a really remote place. The piece was meant as a composition for children, but my teacher told me it's quite hard to play... nevermind. I'll be glad for any feedback!

@Monarcheon @Luis Hernández Thank you for your feedback!

I like it! It's not easy to write a good fugue, although some people think that it's nothing hard with all the rules - it seems like a cookbook to them for some reasons :) I also love that it doesn't seem like a pianist would break all his fingers on it.

A few months ago, I composed a cycle of five piano pieces. I call it Songs without words (not sure why, but nevermind). And now you have the opportunity to hear Nr. 2 and Nr. 3... played by me!

Once upon a time, I was thirteen years old (I'm not sure if I can call it "childhood") and I decided to become a composer. And there are three of my early compositions. Just for fun. I think if there was a competition for the worst piece of this forum, I would win it. But i like these... eh, things. They're a bit nostalgic for me, because it was my first contatct with music. (I couldn't play the piano and my knowledge of music theory... well, it just didn't exist.) Now, four years later, I found these recordings and I was like: "Argh, it shouldn't sound like that!" And then: "Who cares? It's cute." So you can enjoy strange melodies, parallel fifths and horrible interpretation of my fourteen-years-old alter ego. I. Sen (Dream) - It was my first composition and I was very proud of it. It's in something like C major. II. Pochod poražených orlů (A strange name that I can't translate, but it's something like March of Eagles) - It's in D minor, one of my favourite keys, and I composed it for my dead grandmother. III. Der Morgenwalzer (The Morning Waltz) - It's in... well, I think it's atonal. But I'm not sure. There's B flat major, C minor, something phrygian...

Maybe I'm not experienced enough to give advice, but I think you should just try it.

When I listen to music, I see colours, shapes and structures. But it doesn't work very well when I'm concentrating to it, so I can't say what I exactly see in this prelude. Some parts are bright yellow (the colour of E major) and some are strange, something between orange and brown.