What's wrong with my music?

So i listened to a bunch of top audiojungle artists and thought "i can do that to". Well, it didn't quite work out. While writing this piece i thought that instrumentation and arrangement worked well, but listening to it now it sounds so silly and indirect, i feel frustrated. I can't put together in my head what is actually wrong with this composition, therefore don't know how to start correcting my mistakes as a composer. 
I know basic music theory (triads, seventh chords, etc.), know some simple harmony rules and chord progressions (or just think i know them, listen and tell me=), but in practice it feels like i'm still having trouble putting it all together.
So what flaws does this piece have and what do i need to know to move forward?

Theoretically speaking, it's honestly not that far off, if that's the kind of music you're trying to write. Your I - IV - V - IV progression, while a little nonstandard, fills the substitution gap fine, and rhythmically a lot of things in your beat sound normal too.
Take a listen to some of the loop artists and pay attention to what they're doing with different tracks in the same song. Some things subtly overlap which give just enough difference to call it "change", giving an (although quite fake) sense of progression to the music. You do some of it, but a lot of it sounds quite similar especially with your consistently major chord progression.
The middle section of yours around 1:05 has some odd counterpoint that doesn't overlap quite well enough. It's a great idea for critical engagement but since the harmony is lost, so is a bit of the genre.
The final thing is observing your timbres. A lot of treble, and very pointalistic as far as traditional terms are concerned. I'm not saying they necessarily need to be more varied, but you're going to run into problems if your audience can't immediately associate a sound they hear to a schema they're accustomed to.

8 hours ago, Monarcheon said:

Take a listen to some of the loop artists and pay attention to what they're doing with different tracks in the same song. Some things subtly overlap which give just enough difference to call it "change", giving an (although quite fake) sense of progression to the music.

 

Thanks for the review, very helpful. The point i quoted - are you talking about instruments switching places in tonal range? (roughly speaking)

Not necessarily. Oftentimes it seems to be a main riff or motif being superimposed over something else like loose counterpoint.

My comment would be to maybe try a bit of variation in the main melody riff as the piece progresses. I liked your transitions a lot. All in all it is good.. I think all of us, at some points, hear things in or work we don't like..  John Lennon said once, if he had the opportunity, he would like to re-record 3/4 of the music they did to make it better. 

The main thing is to listen to others music  take note of things you like and might incorporate into your work. I wouldn't say there is anything in your piece that is really wrong

jumbalo

I have now listened to your piece more than half a dozen times. Broadly, I find it enjoyable, emotionally upbeat, and if the title of the piece is anything to go by, fits well the category of 'corporate' music. I don't experience it as silly at all, and I am wondering what makes you think that it is. I am not sure what you mean by "indirect". 

I like the range of instruments you have used, and they sound as though they fit the category. I like the use short notes (pointillism), which also fits the category. I like the fact that you bring in longer notes towards the end of the piece, giving some sense of progression. I like the quieter way you start the piece, and build up its richness. I like the fact that you have subtle variations constantly being introduced throughout.

I am fairly sure that I understand what you were attempting with the 'middle section', and I like it a lot. It introduces interest without departing completely from the 'loop'. Personally, I think you rush through the middle section. I would want to expand it, and introduce the ideas in the counter-rhythms a little more gradually so you take the listener with you.

The only thing that started to irritate me was the heaviness of the two drumbeats. (The more gentle, single drumbeat during the introduction was absolutely fine.) The image I have is of being presented with a nicely cooked meal, and then someone smothering it in tomato ketchup. I found that I was having to mentally block out the heavy drumbeats in order to listen to what else was going on.

Looping as a technique is something that interests me, not least because I very much enjoy the music of Philip Glass and John Adams. My sense is that, if you can work out how to move forward your ideas using looping techniques, your piece, and others like it that you may yet write, have a lot of potential. Good luck.